There I was, 52, watching the man I had spent the best part of my life with walk out the door because he didn’t love me anymore. We were 22 when we got married, and it was just after my birthday, 30 years later, that he announced his desire to get a divorce. The attraction and romantic love had disappeared from his side he said, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life rediscovering himself.
Was it my damaged body after giving birth to his three children? Was it because I didn’t make his favorite dinner enough? Was my hair not long enough? All I could do was look at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw.
In that instant, my confidence reached a low I could have never imagined. It didn’t help to discover he had been seeing a woman he worked with one year before the divorce (10 years younger than me) to which they continued their affair happily once the divorce was done. I couldn’t find the strength to make an effort with my appearance, I stopped seeing my friends and family for a while and felt the last of my spark disappear into the darkness.
Little did I know, now 11 years later, I would have a brand new lease of life, a partner I could have only dreamed of, and a life I am so grateful for. What was the secret? Regaining my confidence and getting back out there. It sounds so simple, but the personal development and investment I had to make to get to where I am now, it truly took being at rock bottom to get me here.
So, I am here to tell you exactly what I did that actually worked, and missed out on the self-deprecating habits (aka many bottles of wine I consumed; there were a lot, and they didn’t help my healing!).
So many people understand the feeling of being lost and abandoned after divorce. We all cope in our own way, but once you are ready to put the tissues down and work towards change, here are some of the most valuable ways to restore your self-love and confidence after separation.
1. Move past the blame
Holding hate in your heart will not serve you. Take it from someone who blamed their life’s problems on the other party, only to discover the year of blame could have been used for growth.
Yes, they may have cheated, lied, or even worse, but blame holds you back from moving on. Everyone has a part to play, but you can’t blame yourself or the other person. Life has a funny way of taking the reins and you don’t realise you have been swept into drama until it’s too late.
Remember you are the agent of your life, forgive, but you don’t have to forget. This will protect you in future but still allow you to move forward and reflect your energy toward embracing change and positivity.
2. Recognise your self-sabotaging habits
Ah, self-sabotage. My very good friend, that little voice in all of our heads that tells us we are not good enough. Except when you feel as though you have been abandoned by the one person in your life that you thought you could trust, this voice starts to become the only voice feeding you information.
It is not easy to exit this mindset, but the first step is to be self-aware. Self-aware of what this voice is saying, what it says when you look in the mirror, how it tries to put a negative spin on once positive thoughts, see it for what it is.
Once you become an observer of your self-deprecating thoughts, you will have the power to change the narrative. Thinking about the worst-case scenario to happen at work today? Ask yourself why you think something bad will happen, then ask yourself what would be the best outcome of the day. Imagine the feeling and play out the scenarios.
Your habits will also need observing. Are you stalking your ex-partner on social media? Check yourself, remove them off social media, or even better take some time from social media to cleanse and ground yourself back into reality.
3. Meditate and spend time on self-reflection
Meditation is one of my favourite activities to do since the divorce. The act of allowing yourself to pause, quiet your mind and analyse your thinking to find a rational solution to negative thoughts? My only regret is not meditating sooner.
When I started meditating during the separation I felt so silly and couldn’t stay in the moment. Then I started using guided meditation videos to help me through, and voila! I had felt myself partially exit my body and observe my own mind.
I even went as far as to heal my inner child, but that’s a story for another day. Start with just 5 minutes a day of meditation every morning while you drink your coffee, and add time as you start to feel the mental weight lift off your shoulders.
4. Embrace your support system
Once I was done pushing people away, I embraced the loved ones around me and realised how lucky I was.
Truthfully, I was selfish for a few months following the divorce. We have kids and grandkids, and everyone felt the effects of the separation. What I should have been doing was reassuring my babies, but it turns out I needed to look after them at that moment more than they did. I spent more time than I ever had with my family, and it was definitely the love I needed. Be open to accepting help, or talking about things with your adult children that you would have otherwise avoided discussing.
Yes, their father is still a part of their lives, but they aren’t children anymore. All those years of learning and advice you have given to them, it’s about time they return the favour. You’ll be surprised how a simple cup of tea with a loved one can lift the weight of anxiety and depression off your shoulders.
5. Write down the ideal version of you
A personal development activity I would highly recommend doing is writing down the ideal version of you. The person you dream of being, whether it be the one who travels the world, owns a flourishing flower shop, or someone who simply has meaningful conversations with strangers daily, write down in detail.
What does she wear? How does she do her make-up? How does she come across to strangers? Write down everyday details, now stick this sheet of paper next to your dresser.
If you can make just one change every day to become more like her, you will eventually become the ideal version of yourself. The one who is not defined by divorce, but instead is ready to take on the world.
6. Invest in yourself
Investing in yourself can happen in some ways. You might take time to go to the gym daily to feel healthier, or you might refresh your wardrobe to meet the style of the ideal version of you.
Some women opt for plastic surgery to revitalise their appearance (because let’s face it, the ‘girls’ never look the same after 3 babies!). Whatever you choose to do, be selfish!
Allow yourself a small ounce of selfishness and do something you have been dreaming about. Something that you perhaps wanted to do during the marriage, but your ex made you feel silly about it. Do it for you, and don’t be sorry about it.
7. Read/Listen to self-help books
Last, and certainly not least, I spent a lot of time reading and listening to self-help books. Some of the best advice I received came from the books I read. Some I even read a couple times to really absorb the message and advice they are giving. Here are just a few of my favorites:
- Atomic Habits
- The Power Of Letting Go
- The Strength In Our Scars
- Good Vibes Good Life
- How To Win Friends And Influence People
These are just a few of the best I have read, but there is a plethora of books out there that teach you how to move on from the past and become a better version of yourself.
So, I hope if you are reading this you have gained some inspiration as to how you can become a better version of yourself following divorce.
At first, I found myself longing for the person I used to be. Now, I look back and pity that person, because the version of me today is so much more secure and confident. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and now I am living the best years of my life at 50+!
Take control of your narrative and know the version of yourself who is doing better is waiting for you to make the change.
Cathy Fletcher
Cathy Fletcher is a retired physiotherapist based in Manchester, UK, with a rich 40-year career in the NHS. After navigating the challenges of divorce and retirement, Cathy discovered a new purpose: empowering individuals over 50 to live their best lives and uncover new passions. Her personal journey through these significant life changes has fueled her commitment to sharing insights and experiences with others in similar stages.
Dedicated to helping others find joy and fulfilment post-retirement and post-divorce, Cathy combines her professional background with her personal story, offering a unique and relatable perspective. She is eager to connect with audiences who are exploring dating after divorce and seeking fresh passions later in life.
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