Relationship help for men from a life coach can take many forms. What that help can look like is dependent upon a number of factors, including who you are, how old you are, the current stage of your relationship, and the length of your relationship.
Your particular one-on-one coaching experience will also be dependent on your enthusiasm for the process, your willingness to self-reflect and be honest with yourself and your coach, as well as your commitment to making fundamental changes in your world view and personal behaviors.
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30 Years as a Life Coach for Men
In my 30 years of coaching men, I’ve noticed that many people wait a long time before asking for help. By the time they do, the problems have often been around for years, affecting them, their partners, and even those around them.
One of the issues we deal with in this work is that, because we have been having such a difficult time for so long in the relationship, we find ourselves short on patience once we’ve finally decided to address the issues with the help of a coach. We feel out of gas, out of hope.
As a life coach for men, I’ve developed ways to help men take immediate steps to see significant changes in themselves and in their relationships.
Often, even in the first session, men experience a positive shift in perspective, which can lead to immediate improvements in their relationships.
Let me give you an example.
Silencing the Little Boy
Paul is in his early 30s, married, no kids and both he and his wife work 9-5 jobs. They both have friends and their individual hobbies. From the outside, everything looks pretty healthy.
The problem is that Paul wants more affection than his wife has felt comfortable offering (for a number of reasons.)
After a brief conversation, I could see that Paul’s childhood contributed to a neediness, a little boy energy, which I discuss in the chapter entitled “Silence the Little Boy” in my book “Hold On to Your N.U.T.s—The Relationship Manual for Men.”
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This needy energy has been pushing his wife away, annoying her, which only leads to Paul receiving even less affection.
So the question is, how does a man overcome this deep-seated need for affection, eliminate this little boy energy, and behave in an way as the man he wants to be while showing up more like the husband his wife wants? Tall order, but remarkably achievable.
After helping Paul completely understand the dynamics at play (and they include far more details than are included here,) I gave him a simple game plan to put into action for that week; a new behavior to replace the little boy behavior that was pushing his wife’s buttons.
Guess what Paul reported back to me in our next weekly mens relationship coaching session?
Wayne, it really worked! I did what you told me and she actually came toward me and was more affectionate than she’s been in years.
When a man has this kind of positive experience, so quickly in the coaching process, he’s now gained a greater sense of hope and optimism in the long-term possibilities for himself and for the health of his relationship.
Here’s another example
First We Must Tell the Truth
Steve has been married for a while, has a house full of kids and has been unhappily married for more years than he can remember. Despite his many efforts over the years, nothing has seemed to move the needle. Sex is infrequent. His wife seems uninterested in him and equally uninterested in participating in any process to improve the relationship. The marriage is a lonely place for Steve.
Marriage help for men, for this specific man, required that I help him get brutally honest with himself about the truth of his feelings. Because he came to me so beaten down and discouraged, Steve needed my guidance to get back into his power.
That meant he needed to tell the truth, feel his truth, and then begin to see the arc of his relationship from a new and healthier perspective.
When we first spoke, he was no longer capable of seeing anything other than disappointment and the continuation of the status quo. That had to change.
When we have lived for years lying to ourselves about our true feelings, out of fear, we can completely lose sight of who we are, what we once imagined for ourselves, and the hope of life ever being better than what it currently is. It’s a sad state of affairs.
I would imagine there are many men reading this who can relate.
Well, it took some time and a lot of work (mostly to break through the layers of fear and resistance, despite his earnest desire to be happier) for Steve to finally be able to visualize the type of relationship he wanted, without getting hung up on whether it would ultimately be with his current wife. The thought of divorce was terrifying for him.
In the end, he was able to speak his truth with his wife. Through this process, he ultimately learned that he had, in fact, done everything he could, and that it was time to move on.
Once he was able to come to that conclusion and feel it deep in his bones, the overwhelming fear he had carried for years, vanished.
That’s not to say he didn’t have anxieties along the way as he navigated his new life. That’s to be expected. We are human. But he was constructing that new life and eventually could turn around and realize it had all been worth the journey.
Are You Ready for Marriage?
Then there are the young men who find themselves on the brink of marriage, drowning in fear and anxiety and feeling powerless to exit this runaway train.
They are about to do what they thought they wanted to do, or what she wanted him to do, or what parents expected them to do, at least now that all of the arrangements had been made and paid for. How can he possibly get out now?
Byron scheduled a BetterMen 90-Minute Evaluation & Coaching Session. He told me a colorful and dramatic story of jealousy, domestic violence on her part, and just insanity on every possible level.
He wanted to know how he could improve his relationship. I asked him why he wanted to improve something that seemed absolutely unhealthy and out of control. Well, he said, “We’re getting married in 28 days.”
WTF!?
When a man calls me out of the blue, all I can do is work with what he tells me. I have to take him at his word, at least until we have more time to drill down. Byron was so anxious I knew he would not be able to process too much information.
So I had to decide what might be most helpful for him in that moment. I gave him advice that he didn’t expect. I suggested that getting married to this woman, under these current conditions, would be madness.
He should call off the wedding.
We ended our session and scheduled to talk in a few days. The next day, I received a text from Byron telling me that he appreciated my advice. He had called off the wedding. His fiancé destroyed their apartment and he moved back into his parent’s place for the time being.
Then he wrote, “Thanks a lot, Wayne.” And I never heard from him again. I suspect he still had some significant work to do down the road. No doubt. But he just might have saved his life that day.
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Helping Men by Sharing Wisdom
Relationships can be a wonderful place to grow and change together. In a marriage, partners can learn to deepen intimacy, heal from past trauma, and build a beautiful life together.
On the other hand, relationships can be a wasteland of miscommunication, shame, fear, abuse, and loneliness. If not tended to, relationships can kill a man’s enthusiasm for life, push him to act out in numerous unhealthy ways, and convince him that he’s trapped. Any of this ringing a bell?
Marriage help for men exists. Life coaching for men, if working with a mature, experienced coach who has lived life and gathered wisdom along the way, can offer men of all ages the kind of fatherly advice most of us need throughout our lives.
Even if you didn’t have the father you wanted or needed, that kind of caring, masculine wisdom is still available to any man who has the courage to ask for help.
Wayne Levine
Wayne has over 25 years of experience guiding men through various challenges and transitions in their lives. He is the founder of BetterMen Coaching, where he offers a range of coaching services that help men be the best versions of themselves.
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